STE: Twelve Days 3
by ZenosParadox
Summary: RS, Tu, A. Reed and Sato encounter 7 swans a swimming, 8 maids a milking and 9 ladies dancing. Three guesses who the dancing ladies are? 3 of 3 chapters 3rd of 4 episodes.
1. Seven Swans ASwimming

Title: Twelve Days 3  
  
Author: ZenosParadox  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: RS, Tu, A. Reed and Sato experience 7 swans a swimming, 8 maids a milking and 9 ladies dancing while on a mission with Archer and Tucker. Three guesses as to whom the dancing ladies turn out to be?? 3 of 3 chapters; 3rd of 4 episodes.   
  
Disclaimer: The Enterprise characters belong to Paramount. This fiction was written solely for personal enjoyment.  
  
TWELVE DAYS 3  
  
SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING  
  
January 1  
  
Sub-commander T'Pol outlined the details of their mission with her usual detachment during their early morning briefing. Captain Jonathan Archer and Commander Trip Tucker looked like they had found another bottle of Kentucky bourbon to toast in the New Year. Ensign Hoshi Sato looked surprisingly refreshed while Lieutenant Malcolm Reed appeared a bit withdrawn. T'Pol registered these things as she spoke.  
  
"While we were scanning for the distress beacon of the stranded Ansers, the Masquerans invited us to visit their planet once we completed the rescue mission. They are a humanoid species, largely an agrarian society, but have had warp technology for the past twenty years. The last contact Vulcans had with the Masquerans was limited to meeting a series of low-level officials. The Vulcan delegation did obtain information on procedures to be observed in order to meet the Sovereign; however, the details are incomplete. No aspect of the protocol appears to be dangerous."  
  
Captain Archer added, "In order to follow the procedures, we'll need to leave this afternoon and spend two nights on the planet. We won't be back until late on the third day. Lieutenant Reed, be sure we only carry the Stun cartridges you've developed. This is a peaceful mission and I don't want any accidents to happen. Ensign Sato, the Masquerans use some archaic languages at times; we'll need you to take the latest UT program that can effectively account for temporal variations in the language. The two of you will meet me at the shuttle right after lunch. We'll have one more crewman to do the bioscans. T'Pol, you and Commander Tucker will be in charge while I'm on the planet. Happy New Year."  
  
"But, Cap'n, you haven't even let me see if I've won my--" began Tucker.  
  
"Later, Trip," said Archer with a quick glance to Reed and Sato.  
  
Tucker threw up his hands and mumbled something about prepping the shuttle while the other officers headed to their bridge stations. Archer was surprised when Reed came to him and asked, "Captain, with your permission, I'd like to spend my time in the armory this morning."  
  
"Permission granted, Malcolm. See you at the shuttle at 1400," said Archer.  
  
-----  
  
"...but it's for good luck, ya mule-headed--"  
  
"Commander, I DO NOT EAT BLACK-EYED PEAS," Reed insisted as he and Tucker volleyed the objects from one plate to the other. Lunch was a battlefield.  
  
"Don't tell me ya don't need some good luck coming your way. It might help out your situation with Hoshi," said Tucker as he flipped the legumes back onto Reed's plate.   
  
This time Reed stabbed an offending bean with his fork and threatened the Chief Engineer with it as he said, "Commander, it would take more than superstitious behavior to help my situation with--Hoshi, hello."  
  
Reed was so disconcerted by Sato's sudden appearance that he shifted the fork with the black-eyed pea on it away from attacking Tucker. Instead he nervously aimed it toward his mouth and bit down just to keep himself from saying something stupid. Sato smiled sympathetically as she watched the disgusted expression appear on Reed's face.  
  
"It's just once year for good luck, Lieutenant. Southern tradition," she said as she sat down beside him. She immediately stabbed a black-eyed pea from Reed's plate and popped it in her mouth. "See, nothing to it and you gain a little luck. I prefer mine with jalapenos, though."  
  
Tucker gave his friend a See-there smile. Reed was too busy trying to erase the taste by drinking up the juice he had poured. "I just need a day free of anything fowl, is that too much to ask?"  
  
Sato patted Reed's shoulder in sympathy. "I hate to break the news to you about the away team for this mission, but the Captain has assigned Ensign--"  
  
"NO!" Reed, the normally cool, collected Armory Officer, continued, "Please don't tell me it's Partridge?"  
  
Sato could only nod. Reed literally put his face into his hands, "Three days. The mission is for three DAYS!"  
  
Sato cooed in his ear, "It's alright, we've survived him before and we can do it again. Just give him a phase pistol and he'll knock himself out."  
  
Reed shook his head. "No, that won't work. The Captain sent me specific orders that Ensign Partridge is not to be near any weapon."  
  
Sato snapped her fingers in a Darn-it gesture. She'd been counting on the man's own stupidity to eliminate him from the away team.  
  
"Well, at least ya get to go down to the planet. My only entertainment is gonna be watchin' T'Pol avoid Porthos while the Cap'n's gone." Tucker sighed and ate a big chunk of ham.  
  
Reed perked up a bit at the mention of the beagle. "I had an odd dream about Porthos last night. He had this funny laugh when--uh, never mind."  
  
"Did you dream it when we were in the Anser's nest? I fell asleep for a few minutes, I think," said Sato.   
  
Reed shook his head, "No, I dozed off in the nest, too, but this was later after, uh, when I finally got to my quarters."  
  
She picked up the dinner roll on her plate and slathered some butter on it. She brought it up to her lips and gently kissed it saying, "I just love fresh bread."  
  
Sato noticed that Tucker was grinning like a cat who just got into the cream, but returned her attention to torturing her Armory Officer. Reed could only stare as Sato licked some butter she had spread off the top of the bread and rolled her eyes in pleasure. He didn't even notice he had eaten more black-eyed peas as he was absently stuffing his mouth with anything on his plate.  
  
Tucker cleared his throat and rose saying, "I've gotta go. See y'all later."  
  
-----  
  
As Reed and Sato walked back to the bridge together after their lunch, they had one thing on their minds: how to eliminate Ensign Partridge from the away team.  
  
"...an impromptu target practice lesson that he'd accidentally walk in on?" offered Sato.  
  
"No, too obvious. How about I just lock him in his quarters? I suppose the man does need to eat, though. Pity." said Reed.  
  
"Is there any contagious disease we an expose him to?" suggested Sato next.  
  
"Ah, biological weapons. Unfortunately, no, at least not without exposing ourselves." Reed sighed. They both stopped and crossed their arms over their chest as they thought. Reed then broke the silence with, "But, you know, I should send Partridge to Dr. Phlox to check the settings on the scanners for the readings T'Pol wants."  
  
Sato grinned. "You're a cruel man, Lieutenant."  
  
"I have my days, Ensign," confirmed Reed.  
  
-----  
  
"Hey, Doc, I'm Danny Partridge. Lieutenant Reed said you should check the calibration on the scanners before I load them in the shuttle," said Danny as he entered sickbay. He looked around and said, "Wow, Doc. Oh, cool you have a--"  
  
"Don't touch that, Ensign," said Phlox as he removed Danny's hand from the bat cage. "It will only take a moment to check the scanners."  
  
Phlox turned his back on Ensign Partridge just long enough to ensure the calibrations were correct. In the background, the Denobulan heard:  
  
"Wow, cool, whoah! OW!" Thunk.   
  
Phlox looked down at the Ensign who had a smile on his face even as he was saying, "Ooo, aaah, guuuh..."  
  
-----  
  
"Ooo, aaah, guuuh..."  
  
The moans kept coming out of Ensign Partridge whose face was contorted into one reflecting continual sensual pleasure. Tucker was almost envious, but preferred to let nature take its course in these matters. He looked suspiciously at Reed and Sato who were standing in the corner trying to look innocent.  
  
Captain Archer strode in and asked Phlox, "What exactly happened, Doctor?"  
  
"I turned my back for a moment to check the calibration on the bioscanners when I heard Ensign Partridge falling. He's been injected with the venom of my Arana spider. It's never bitten anyone before, even when it escaped from sickbay the other day." Phlox shook his head in disbelief, but continued in his cheery tone, "I normally extract the venom once a week and use a microliter of it to treat patients. It has a neuropeptide that binds to receptors in the, well, the pleasure centers of the brain. In low doses it helps relieve distress."   
  
"So, he's constantly feeling, uh, pleasure?" asked Archer.   
  
"Oooo, aaah, guuuh..." could be heard in the background.  
  
"It will wear off in 24 hours, Captain; he's in no danger. Ensign Partridge will feel very tired and drained, and certainly won't be needing shore leave for a while, but nothing he won't recover from. My spider, on the other hand, lost a stinger. It will take a month to grow back."  
  
Reed said quietly to Sato, "You know, I'm beginning to sympathize with the spider. It was the same one that scared Ensign Moffet the other day at breakfast."  
  
"I'll have to find a replacement for him on our mission," sighed Archer.  
  
Tucker immediately asked, "Cap'n, did you forget...?"  
  
"What? Oh, that's right," Archer said as he looked at Reed and Sato in the corner of the room. They WERE trying to look innocent, weren't they? "Commander Tucker you'll join us on the mission to the planet. T'Pol can handle things on her own up here. I'll just get Travis to intercede with Porthos."  
  
Archer left and the officers emptied out of sickbay. Once in the corridor, Reed put an arm on Tucker before he could leave. "Commander, what was that about?"  
  
"Not in polite company, Malcolm," said Tucker with a nudge of his head in the direction of Sato. Rather than give in to the suggestion, Reed crossed his arms over his chest in synchrony with Sato's movements.  
  
"Spill it, Trip," Sato commanded.  
  
Tucker had a sheepish look on his face. "The Cap'n and I had a bet."  
  
"Regarding the two of us?" prompted Reed. Tucker nodded. "Go on."  
  
"I won the bet so I get to go on the away team! See ya," said Tucker. Rather than make a quick getaway, Tucker felt the steely arm of the Armory Officer blocking his escape.  
  
"What was the bet, Commander?" Reed asked quietly. Tucker looked between Reed and Sato.   
  
Okay, Reed could be reasonable, but Sato looked like she was capable of murder underneath that sweet facade. He stood as far away from her as possible and said, "The bet was about whether ya'll had slept together by New Year's."  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
As Tucker ran off he said, "Well, you both did say that you fell asleep in the goose nest yesterday."  
  
That twist of logic stunned the two officers and allowed Tucker his successful escape. Reed and Sato turned to look at each other.  
  
"No mercy?"   
  
"No mercy."  
  
~~~~~   
  
Archer piloted the shuttlepod while Tucker sat behind him in an attempt to keep a safe distance from Reed and Sato who had decided to sit together on the bench in the back. Tucker would throw wary glances at them occasionally. He would swear they were whispering about him and sending speculative glances his way. Some way, some how, when he least expected it, he knew he was gonna get slammed.  
  
"What kept you so busy in the armory this morning? I tried to contact you twice, but your crew said you were too busy to answer," asked Sato of Reed. She had been miffed that Reed was trying to avoid her, but accepted the fact that the man would take a few wobbles before his brick wall finally fell.   
  
Reed's sudden blush only served to arouse Sato's suspicions. He had actually been working on his present for her, but just said, "I wanted to make sure that I left everything in order. I'd hate to come back to find things in disarray."  
  
"I see," said Sato. "Any ideas about Trip?"  
  
"I think we should improvise while we're on the planet. We don't want payback to interfere with our mission. Just be patient, love," said Reed rather distractedly as he noticed Tucker throwing a quick glance back at them. He turned his attention back to Sato and noticed her smile. What did he just say?  
  
The crew landed in the designated area and made their way to their destination. The village was nestled among rolling hills that presented a pastoral scene. As they made their way they were mesmerized by feminine voices singing.   
  
Archer looked at his companions, "I think we can afford a detour to investigate the source. Follow me."  
  
Reed was a bit disgruntled at being taken off their assigned path, but Sato just turned and beckoned to him. Of course he followed her. He was foolish enough to follow the woman even if she were leading him over a cliff. That was his problem. As they walked out of a grove of trees, they found the source of the song.  
  
The small lake held turquoise colored water that reflected the clouds in the sky. Swimming in the lake were seven beautiful women. They had long, blonde hair and long, slender limbs that moved gracefully through the water.  
  
Sato hated them on sight, especially when she noticed the men had stopped to stare. Well, actually, Archer and Tucker had stopped to stare. Reed, on the other hand, looked aghast and had turned his face away quickly. Was he really that shy? Then she took a closer look at the women's faces. That explained everything.  
  
"They look like the sirens of Greek mythology," said Archer.  
  
"They look like the girls on Miami Beach," said Tucker.  
  
"They look like my sister," said Reed, and the other two men finally noticed he had his face turned away from the graceful creatures flitting through the water.  
  
"You have a sister that looks like that?" asked Archer in a voice of disbelief.  
  
"Almost exactly like that, Captain," confirmed Reed, still refusing to look directly at the lake.  
  
"When do I get to meet this sister of yours?" asked Tucker while he watched the lithe forms swimming.  
  
"When you learn to 'keep yer shirt on', Commander,'" said Reed, mimicking the Southern drawl with the last phrase.  
  
"I always behave like a perfect gentleman," insisted Tucker.  
  
"Dressed in nothing but your underwear, Commander?" asked Reed. Archer was just laughing at Tucker's discomfiture, so Tucker decided not to argue the point further.  
  
"Gentlemen, I suggest we introduce ourselves. It's impolite to stare," said Sato. At least her Armory Officer wasn't ogling the women. Good boy. He deserved a reward for that.  
  
There was a collective cooing, ah-ing and giggling as the party approached the mermaids. Archer cleared his throat and tried not to stare. The women all stood up with the water glistening on their bodies, although their hair conveniently covered any naughty bits.   
  
"We're sorry to disturb you. I'm Captain Jonathan Archer from the starship Enterprise. This is Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato. We were on our way to your village when we heard you singing."  
  
The seven blonde heads gathered together to giggle. Reed rolled his eyes. They even sounded like his sister. He just hoped they wouldn't start speaking in puns; he'd had enough of that yesterday.   
  
The alpha female said, "Forgive us, Captain. We are expecting you. If you turn around we'll get dressed and introduce ourselves."  
  
Sato couldn't understand why the women objected to having the men watch them dress when they were so eager to step out of the water after skinny-dipping. The phrase Ditsy Blondes kept resonating in her mind.   
  
Another set of light giggles wafted into the air as the men turned their backs. Tucker got nudged in the ribs by Reed when his neck wouldn't cooperate, so the engineer whispered, "Look, they are NOT your sister, so lay off."  
  
Reed in turn replied, "Interesting choice of words, Commander."  
  
Sato did not turn her head and merely tsked. The veil-like garments the women were dressing themselves with did little to hide their assets. At least some opaque panels of material were strategically placed in the clothing.  
  
"Turn around now," said the alpha, again amid giggles. She stood with regal posture as she made the introductions. "I am Lin, to my right is Vin, then Rin and Tin. To my left are Gin, Sin and Fin. She was the last."  
  
"Please forgive us if we get you confused. You look so much alike," said Archer.  
  
"We are sisters," said Lin. "Our family name is Suan."  
  
Reed said quietly to Sato, "Here we go again."  
  
-----  
  
The Suan Sisters were very friendly and liked to frolic as they made their way to the village. They were buzzing around the men like little damselflies, constantly cooing and giggling, nabbing a strand of grass as they went and chewing on it. The one named Sin in particular had insisted that Tucker scan her in great detail.   
  
Sin was aptly named, thought Sato. The only pleasant thing for the Communications Officer was that Reed was using her to keep the Suans from fluttering around him too much. The man had good intuition.   
  
"They're very friendly," said Sato quietly to Reed.  
  
"I'm trying not to imagine what their intentions are towards the Captain and Trip," said Reed. "Damn! Why do they have to all look like Madeline?"  
  
"You think Jon and Trip will get lucky tonight?" asked Sato.   
  
Reed took a quick glance to see four of the women converging on Archer and three on the Chief Engineer. Tucker was walking by Sin who appeared to have the common touch. Reed observed to Sato, "Well, Trip and Jon are neither married nor gay--"  
  
"But the Suan Sisters don't know that," said Sato with a smile. "I think it's time for payback. Leave it to me."  
  
The Suans had led them to a large house and as they entered, Sato made her request. "Lin, could I talk to you and your sisters? We have so few women on board our ship I'm just dying for some girl talk. Please call me Hoshi."  
  
Lin giggled. "Certainly, Hoshi. In fact, we could help you do something with your hair."  
  
"...and pluck your eyebrows."  
  
"...and do your nails!"  
  
"We have some lotion for your skin..."  
  
"...and you can borrow some nice clothes."  
  
"...and some perfume!"  
  
"...and some make-up. Lots and lots of make-up," ended Sin.  
  
What am I, a wreck? thought Sato as the Suan Sisters led her out of the room.   
  
The men were then greeted by a tall blonde-haired Viking sort of male who appeared very pleased with himself. The man waved at the Suan Sisters, then turned his attention to the Captain.   
  
"You must be the visitors we were expecting. I'm Rutger. I see you've met our Suan Sisters. Personally, Sin is my favorite. She can--well, I'm sure one of you will find out soon enough. Come inside so we can talk."   
  
-----   
  
Reed was beginning to get worried. They had not seen Sato for two hours and dinnertime was upon them. What could they possibly be doing? His question was answered when the Suan Sisters appeared again. They walked into the dining hall in pairs with the last being Sin leading Sato by the hand.  
  
Reed was devastated. Sato was out of uniform and he was out of luck. She looked absolutely beautiful in the native dress of the women, the same filmy clothing with the strategically placed panels. Her belly button was taunting him again.   
  
Reed was left speechless and immobile as Rutger immediately indicated that Sato sit beside him. Lin Suan put a hand to Rutger's arm and was shaking her head vehemently, but rather than let Sato go to the Starfleet officers, Rutger shook Lin off and insisted Sato sit next to him.  
  
Sato frowned, but didn't want to upset their diplomatic mission. She turned to Reed, rolled her eyes, and shrugged. She hoped he got the message and would stay put. Sato certainly didn't want their Armory Officer making a scene. Tucker and Archer were distracted by Gin and Fin at the time, so took no note of Sato's dilemma.  
  
Dinner was an ordeal for all of the Enterprise officers. Archer and Tucker, expecting their earlier welcome by the Suan Sisters to be continued, were disappointed to find that the ladies were now pleasant to them, but no longer flirting. Archer and Tucker kept exchanging confused glances while Reed merely sat quietly and coldly.   
  
Sato, in the meantime, kept brushing Rutger's hand off of her thigh. She had intended to sit by Reed, but the local PooBah had spoiled her plans. She finally grabbed the man's pinky and jerked it in the direction it was not meant to bend. That finally got the message across to Rutger, who soon had Sin easing his pain.   
  
Four of the Suan Sisters then performed a play to entertain their guests. The Enterprise officers had trouble following the story line, but were again mesmerized by the voices and graceful movements, among other things.   
  
Once the applause finished, Lin stood to announce, "We've assigned some rooms on the third floor for you. I put your card key by your plate. Good night."  
  
With that dismissal, Rutger shooed away Sin and made another advance to Sato. Reed abruptly stood up and left while Archer and Tucker spoke with Rin and Tin. Again the women were amiable, but not as friendly as they had been on their walk to the village. Archer and Tucker walked away together in confusion.  
  
"I just can't figure out what happened," muttered Tucker. It's not like he expected any action--wait, yeah, he knew he was a horrible flirt, but the change in attitude of the women still bothered him.  
  
Archer merely shrugged. "Let's just stay focused on the mission. Say, this is my assigned room, too. Guess they put the men together."  
  
They walked in but saw no sign of Reed and only one large bed. Trip stretched and yawned. "I reckon Malcolm got assigned to another room."  
  
"He's a big boy; he can take care of himself. Let's get some sleep. I'm still recovering from New Year's," said Jon.   
  
He and Trip were both thinking the same thing. Malcolm was going to wind up with Hoshi. The Captain smiled at the thought. That would teach the Lieutenant to lecture him about fraternizing with crew.   
  
The two old friends settled down to sleep as they talked quietly of shared memories. They needed to do this more often.  
  
-----  
  
Malcolm walked to his assigned room, disrobed and crawled into bed feeling lonely, confused and--no, he would not label it as jealousy. He was disappointed. At least he didn't have to contend with Ensign Partridge. Hoshi was a grown woman and capable of making her own choices. She obviously preferred tall, blonde Vikings. She owed him nothing. He certainly had given her nothing. He turned his back to the door and tried to find some sleep.  
  
Hoshi was stumbling a bit on the high heels and muttering to herself about dumb blondes as she made her way to her room. It must be the planet, she told herself. Every human blonde she had ever met before now had had a brain. She'd had to resort to pulling Rutger's waistband out to dump the remainder of her cold drink down his pants to get him to cool off. Really, Hoshi had expected more respect from Rutger. She opened her door hoping she wouldn't be disappointed. She smiled when she recognized the form occupying the bed.  
  
Malcolm just assumed it was Tucker or Archer, but then the perfume wafted his way. He rolled over to the direction of the door and saw her standing as the moonlight was streaming through the window.   
  
"Hoshi? Are you alright?" The tone of Reed's voice changed when he asked, "Rutger didn't try anything, did he?"  
  
Hoshi sat on the bed and put a finger to Reed's lips. "No, his ardor cooled off quite a bit."  
  
"Oh." Malcolm looked at Hoshi expecting further explanation of why she was in his assigned quarters. Silence. "Um, Hoshi, why are you here?"  
  
Hoshi smiled, "You remember you mentioned something about Jon and Trip being neither married nor gay?"  
  
"Ye-es," said Malcolm. He was becoming quite distracted by the filmy clothing Hoshi was wearing.   
  
"Well, I explained to Lin that Jon and Trip preferred each other's company," confessed Hoshi.  
  
"You mean they think that--"  
  
"They're a couple. They deserved it for making that bet about us. As if we were just dying to jump each other, really!"   
  
Hoshi gave a little indignant sniff and Malcolm simply nodded his agreement. Right. No danger of Hoshi jumping him; she obviously had no interest in that regard.  
  
"I also suggested that we were married so that you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable at having women who look like your sister trying to hit on you," admitted Hoshi. Yes, altruism was her middle name. Hoshi Selfless Sato, that was her.  
  
"Ah." Malcolm nodded his head again. Of course, it all made sense now. "Oh, but that means--I'll sleep on the floor."  
  
Hoshi merely pushed him back on the bed. "Don't worry, Malcolm. I'm really tired. I'm just going to put on a t-shirt and get some sleep. Look, the bed's so wide we won't even have to be near each other."  
  
Malcolm frowned a bit, but then found he couldn't bring himself to do the proper thing and just leave her. He rolled with his back toward her and soon felt her settle down. Her soft breathing soon put him to sleep as well.   
  
-----  
  
That night Malcolm dreamed he was holding Hoshi in his arms. That was the good part of the dream. The bad part was dreaming that both Tucker and Archer were his brother-in-law. He was going to have a long talk with Madeline if she ever did meet his friends. Malcolm settled back into his dream--and settled his arms tightly around Hoshi.  
  
***** 


	2. Eight Maids AMilking

EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING  
  
January 2  
  
After breakfast the next morning, Archer informed his crew of their activities for the day. "I found out from Rutger that in order to see their Sovereign we have to bring a special gift. We need to collect the juice from eight wekas. The Suan Sisters are going to lead us to the best place to find them."  
  
"Wonder what the fruit tastes like? Must be pretty good if it's considered a gift for a king," said Tucker as he stretched. Breakfast had been quite filling, but again the Suan Sisters weren't being flirty like they had been yesterday.   
  
They heard the giggling and were soon greeted by Vin, Rin, Tin, Gin, and Sin who all carried a backpack. "Lin sent us to help you with the wekas. We'll show you how to collect its juice."  
  
Running to catch up to them was Fin who was waving a stack of cylinders in her hand. "You'll need these containers to fill for the weka juice."  
  
The Suans frolicked, skipped and giggled as they made their way to a nearby meadow, plucking strands of grass to chew as they went. Tucker and Archer still found their antics enchanting while Sato groaned. The Suan Sisters were the type of women that Blonde jokes were based on.   
  
Sato stole a glance to her little Armory Officer who was keeping a vigilant eye on their surroundings. The night had passed innocently enough between them, but she had been amused in discovering for herself that Reed spoke in his sleep. She had pretended to still be asleep when he woke up to find his arms wrapped around her. Reed had gotten out of bed quietly and left. Sato could have wrung his neck at that point, but then she considered her strategy. One more night on the planet and a lot could happen.  
  
"The wekas are down there," said Sin when they came over their last hilltop. They had walked for a good hour by now.   
  
Archer looked down into the meadow. He saw a herd of large, shaggy mammals grazing in the morning light, but no sign of fruit trees or any plants other than grass. "Are the wekas underground? We needed to know to bring shovels if they're underground."  
  
Sin smiled and shook her head. "Those are the weka."  
  
A weka turned to stare at the intruders and emitted a loud moo. The Enterprise officers turned to look at their Captain. The Captain turned to look at Sin. "How are we supposed to get juice from these animals--oh, no, not that!"  
  
Sin brought her hands up to her own torso and gestured. Tucker stared at her dumbfounded, not realizing he was repeating the same gesture. Archer nudged for him to stop.  
  
"The weka are very difficult to juice, that is why the fluid is so prized," explained Sin as her sisters giggled. "We will help you. It will take all of us to capture the weka and juice them."  
  
"We humans use the term milk. We milk animals," said Archer. He then turned to his own crew and asked, "Do any of you know anything about milking cows?"  
  
Everyone turned to look at Tucker. Reed was enjoying himself when he asked, "Commander, I don't suppose you raised a cow as well as a chicken in your youth?"  
  
Tucker brought his hands to his face as he admitted, "We had a milk cow, but, Cap'n, you're not gonna make me..."  
  
-----  
  
The six Suan Sisters had shown the Starfleet officers how to quietly approach the weka, rope it and put a hobble around its legs so that the creature wouldn't move. Then had come the demonstration of how to produce the milk ejection. Rather than the long stream the humans expected, a tiny drop was all they gained for their efforts, but apparently this was the norm.  
  
The Chief Engineer and the Captain appeared to be the only ones on the away team capable of milking the wekas. Reed and Sato had tried to approach the creatures, but their dark hair spooked them, so they were left with the task of collecting the bioscans for T'Pol and calling out encouragement to their colleagues.   
  
"We said no mercy, remember," reminded Sato as she saw Reed give a sympathetic glance toward Tucker.   
  
"You're right, Ensign," confirmed Reed. He called, "Good rhythm, Commander, you're way ahead of the Captain."  
  
"You can catch up, Sir. I think Trip is getting repetitive motion syndrome," offered Sato.   
  
Tucker turned to Archer and said, "I'm an engineer, not a milk maid, Cap'n."  
  
The Suan Sisters laughed when they heard Tucker's comment. Sin gave the engineer a smile and said, "But you are a Mayd. It is the title of one who gathers weka juice. I am Mayd of Sin, you will be Mayd of Tucker."   
  
Archer joined in the Suans laughter, but then warned, "If anyone mentions a word of this to T'Pol I'm busting them down to crewman second class."  
  
Sato only had to turn a quirked eyebrow to Reed before she heard him sigh. Still, she said, "Coincidence?"  
  
"I know. Eight Mayds a-milking," finished Reed. "I'm trying to ignore it, Ensign. I suggest you do the same. At least they're mammals this time."  
  
Sato plucked a piece of the sweet grass and nibbled on it as she had seen the Suan Sisters do. No wonder the wekas liked it so much. She also began feeling very, uh, frisky. She shifted her legs restlessly and looked at Reed who was busy looking at the scanner while she licked her lips. Some part of her brain vaguely registered that she now understood why the Suan Sisters acted the way they did.   
  
"It's such a pastoral setting, don't you think?" asked Reed as he leaned on his elbows in the grass.  
  
Reed was also enjoying the fact they were sitting upwind from the wekas. Apparently their pungent odor also affected the flavor of the milk. How any culture could prize the beverage was beyond Reed's understanding.   
  
Reed then asked, "You don't think they'll make us drink the stuff, do you? Ensign? Hoshi? Are you all right?"  
  
Sato suddenly giggled and gave Reed a coy glance that reminded him of someone, but he couldn't place whom. She shifted closer to him as she unbound her hair. She giggled again, and shook her head to bring her hair in a dark cascade around her.   
  
Next Reed found her reaching around him for the scanner asking, "Ooo, what's that? You must be so smart to figure out how it works."  
  
Reed looked at the eyes batting at him, the hands that seemed to be flitting all over his body and registered yet another giggle. Good heavens, she'd turned into a twit! He then stopped Sato before she reached for another strand of grass.  
  
"Oh, so you DO want to play." Sato giggled as she tried to reach for the strand in his hand which Reed was holding aloft in order to scan it. Since both of his hands were occupied, he had limited ability to fend off Sato's lunges except with his elbows. Just as he finished the scan, Sato snuck under his arms and onto his lap, giggling the entire time.  
  
"You know, I expected them to be a bit more discreet," said Archer as he turned to the sound of Sato's giggling.  
  
Tucker looked over considering Reed and nodded. "It's always the quiet ones."  
  
Reed managed to pull his communicator out of his pocket since Sato was busy unzipping everything she could get her hands on. Giggle, zip, giggle, zip.   
  
"Reed to Enterprise. Please connect me with Dr. Phlox. Stop that right now, Ensign!"  
  
"Ooo, commanding, aren't we?" responded Sato as she wiggled comfortably against his lap.  
  
"Doctor Phlox? I'm transmitting a scan I just took of some grass. Ensign Saa-tohh! Stop that I said! No, Doctor, not you. Ensign Sato ingested some and--Oh, really? I'm not surpri-aye-sed."  
  
At this point Reed literally rolled on top of Sato and pinned her arms underneath her while he tried to listen to the instructions Dr. Phlox was providing.  
  
"Yessss. I'll see what I can do."  
  
"That sounds promising," said Sato with a giggle as she squirmed under Reed.   
  
"Come with me," said Reed as he pulled Sato up and held onto her hands with an iron grasp. He called to Archer saying, "Captain, Hoshi's been affected by something in the grass. Phlox said to take her back to the shuttlepod to give her a sedative until it wears off."  
  
Tucker turned to Archer and said, "Now that's a good story."  
  
Archer looked at his officers and just waved them on. Maybe they'd wear themselves out and leave he and Tucker in peace. He turned to his Chief Engineer and asked, "Do you think this is even half full?"  
  
Tucker peeked over to Archer's container. "Naw, it's half empty."  
  
"Well, I say it's half full..."  
  
-----  
  
Reed hoped he could make it to the shuttle. At first Sato was content to skip by his side or frolic all around him. She was actually quite cute when she was brainless, but he was unaccustomed to having her face filled with a rather vacuous expression.   
  
Then Sato decided it was a perfect time for a piggy-back ride and jumped on his back. He couldn't shake her off! Worse, she kept saying, "Yee-haw, ride 'em, Cowboy."  
  
Reed decided he would erase anything relating to Western movies in the ship's database when they got back to Enterprise. They arrived at the shuttlepod and Reed sighed in relief.   
  
But ss Sato jumped off his back, she stumbled and turned her ankle.   
  
"Hoshi! Here, let me take a look."  
  
Reed knelt on the ground to take her boot off. He kept being distracted by a hand that kept snaking up his pant leg. The woman needed to be sedated quickly. He left the pouting woman sitting on the grass and quickly tossed items out of the medical kit as he searched for the sedative.   
  
Reed carried the hypospray back to Sato just in time to prevent her from chewing on another blade of grass. He felt complete relief when she collapsed in his arms.   
  
-----  
  
Hoshi woke in the middle of the night with a pounding headache. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and knew it was Malcolm. Her thoughts were quite simple. "Stun me, please."  
  
Malcolm smiled and rose to get her a drink. "Here. Dr. Phlox said this should help the headache."  
  
Hoshi drank it down, then looked around the room. It was their assigned quarters from last night. Then she remembered.  
  
"Oh my gosh, I--I became a, a--"  
  
"Dumb bimbo?" offered Malcolm with a nod of his head. "Dr. Phlox said that the grass contained a psychotropic drug. I had to give you a sedative, but that left you with the residual headache. You also turned your ankle. It should be fine if you rest it tomorrow."  
  
Hoshi drank down her medicine then threw herself back onto the bed. She thought about how to say embarrassed in twelve different languages. Then she noticed she was wearing her comfortable t-shirt. "Thanks for taking care of me, Malcolm. You're the best."  
  
As she was drifted off again, she managed to mumble, "I'm so glad I'm a brunette."  
  
She thought she heard Malcolm say, "So am I, Hoshi."  
  
-----   
  
That night Malcolm slept on top of the covers while Hoshi curled up against him. He dreamed about being surrounded by blondes. Some had Hoshi's face, but not her mind. Others turned out to be Madeline speaking in puns. Malcolm finally spotted the dark hair and waded through the women around him to be at her side. In his sleep, Malcolm smiled. He was having an intelligent conversation with his Hoshi in the dream. Hoshi woke up when she heard Malcolm talking in his sleep again. They had quite a conversation that night.  
  
***** 


	3. Nine Ladies Dancing

NINE LADIES DANCING  
  
January 3  
  
"What happened? Please tell me yesterday was just a bad dream," said Sato when she woke up in the morning. She rubbed her face against Reed's shoulder as he sat her up.   
  
"Here, I brought you some breakfast. Lin is going to brief us on the protocol for meeting the Sovereign today. Would you like me to get you a crutch or--"  
  
"I'll just lean on you," said Sato. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you yesterday. I'm not the jump-a-guy's-bones sort usually."  
  
Reed smiled and cast back the small regret that surfaced. "I understand. It was just the loco weed."  
  
Sato smiled as Reed again adopted Tucker's accent. She finished her breakfast quickly and said, "I can make it to the bathroom to shower and change, so give me ten minutes and we can join the Captain."  
  
-----   
  
Sato leaned on Reed as they walked into the dining hall. Lin Suan was flanked by her sisters as she stood in front of Captain Archer and Commander Tucker. "I was glad to hear that my sisters helped you collect the weka juice. Most alien visitors find the whole process quite distasteful."  
  
"Yeah, I bet I know why the Vulcans never got too far with the Masquerans," said Tucker to Archer. It had taken them thirty minutes in the shower to begin to get rid of the smell. Surely they would not have to drink the weka juice! They were relieved when Lin merely took two small metal objects out of a box.  
  
Lin took a pin that had a design resembling a pacifier on it and pinned on to Captain Archer and Commander Tucker while she said, "You are now Mayd of Archer and you are Mayd of Tucker."  
  
Archer held back a smile as he graciously said, "Thank you for this honor. We were told that after we collected the weka juice, we'd be informed about the last thing we need to do before we meet your Sovereign."  
  
"Oh, it's so simple. I assume you'll have the rest of your party arriving soon?" asked Lin.  
  
Archer blinked. "No, this is it. Why? What's wrong? You look really distressed."  
  
"Captain, you need nine women of your tribe to do the ritual dances. There are three dances and each needs three women and must be performed in sequence. I was going to teach the movements to you this morning while we waited. The dances are quite simple, but they must be presented before the Honored Guest is allowed to even step foot in the presence of our Sovereign."  
  
The Suan Sisters all nodded and looked expectantly at the Captain. Archer slowly explained, "This was not mentioned to us before we came down. This is our entire party for this mission."  
  
"Oh, no! If you don't make your scheduled meeting, it is a great offense against the Sovereign and especially to my family since we are your hosts." As if on cue, the Suan Sisters then began to boohoo.   
  
Sato was impressed that their masquera, which they had a tendency to overuse, didn't run. Reed merely rolled his eyes thinking again about how much they sounded like his sister.   
  
Archer and Tucker reacted the way most men normally do when confronted with a woman crying: competing behaviors. Their response to find the nearest exit was offset by a compulsion to calm the women down by promising them anything.  
  
"It's alright. We'll just get Travis to shuttle down eight women from our crew--"  
  
"Better make that nine, Sir. Ensign Sato is has a sprained ankle," said Reed.   
  
Tucker then interrupted with, "Cap'n, Travis won't be able to shuttle 'em down. You told me to have my engineering crew make those modifications we talked about to Shuttlepod Two while we were down here. I just checked with them this morning and the engines are completely disassembled right now."  
  
Archer's groan was almost audible. "I don't want to risk the transporter." The Captain looked at the wailing women and wished he wasn't so enthusiastic about making first contact.  
  
Sato looked at the three men on the away team and stifled a smile. Her plan depended on the complete cooperation of the men, so she tried to talk fast. "Captain, the Sovereign hasn't seen you yet. We do have three humans capable of learning the dances."  
  
The three men exchanged glances while the Suan Sisters clapped in delight. "Oh, yes, we could weave extensions into your hair."  
  
"The dark one will need a complete wig."   
  
"Just a little bit of make-up."   
  
"Pluck the eyebrows."  
  
"Perhaps the Sovereign will understand that human women are ugly?"  
  
"You're right, Sin. We won't touch the eyebrows, but the legs!"  
  
"Yes, legs must be shaved."  
  
"And arms."  
  
"And backs."  
  
"WAIT!" Archer turned to the stunned men of his away team. "Well, you got any better ideas?"  
  
Reed and Tucker exchanged a look, then Tucker mumbled, "It'll be just like old times at an Ugly Walk."  
  
Reed gritted his teeth. "It's no worse than the plays at school, I suppose."  
  
Archer turned to Lin and said, "Alright, but no shaving body parts. I'm sure your Sovereign will understand that our customs of dress are different than yours."  
  
As the Suan Sisters led the men away, Sato heard Reed muttering, "This better not involve the chicken dance."  
  
-----   
  
They were now at the palace of the Sovereign where Sato was serving as the stage mistress for the Enterprise. In order to pull off the appearance of there being nine women, the three men were trading among three wigs: blonde, brunette and redhead. The men surprisingly were in good spirits. Of course, Sato had suggested early on that the men's drinks this morning be spiked with just a bit of alcohol to relax them. They were all quite loose by now.  
  
"Does this make me look fat?" asked Tucker of Reed.   
  
"Of course not; you just have big bones," responded Reed. He sighed once again wishing he were a little taller. Captain Archer carried off his costume so gracefully whereas he felt he looked like a penguin.  
  
Currently the men were in yellow costumes with Archer wearing the redhead, Tucker as a blonde and Reed as a brunette. They heard Sato announce their first dance and Archer said, "Showtime, gentlemen."  
  
Sato got a good view of the men behind the stage. Luckily the first dance was more of a variation of the Mexican folk dances of Earth. The men lifted the wide skirts and twirled, luckily not stumbling into each other. They even managed to stay in sync for three minutes of their five minute dance.   
  
Then Archer, of all people, lost the count and began turning in the opposite direction of his fellows. This confused Tucker and Reed who were used to following their Captain. Tucker finally grabbed Archer's shoulder and put him back on track.   
  
The men heaved a big sigh of relief as soon as the music ended and they rushed off the stage, plucked off their wigs and began throwing them high in the air to each other.  
  
The Suan Sisters were clapping madly for them, then hurried to help them into their next costumes. The Suans were quite flirty and handy today because Sato had explained that Archer and Tucker were not a couple in the way they had been led to believe. She had not dissuaded them about Reed, however, so she moved to help him get on the green shirt and skirt. This time the men also had to wear green tights.  
  
"Damn, how do women get these things on?" muttered Tucker.  
  
"I've always preferred bare legs myself," said Archer. He had been especially difficult to fit.   
  
Reed, because of his compact size, had been the easiest to costume. As he pulled on his tights he said, "Don't blame me if I start reciting Shakespeare. I always HATED school plays."  
  
"Made you play the women at a boys school, did they?" asked Tucker.   
  
"No, I was at a public school my first two years. Our drama coach just liked to be true to the 'vision of the master,' he'd say. I think he was the one who enjoyed dressing up as a woman, come to think of it. He insisted on playing the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet."  
  
"Yeah, and who were you?" asked Tucker.  
  
Reed simply rolled his eyes as an answer.   
  
As Tucker chuckled, he boasted, "Yeah, well, Juliet, you're looking at the winner of the Sesquicentennial Ugly Walk of Osceola High School."  
  
"I look atrocious as a blonde," muttered Reed. Archer now wore the brunette wig while Tucker was a redhead--or would be once he got the wig on straight.  
  
"Here, let me touch up your make-up," said Sato. She put her hand behind his head to steady him as she applied more lipstick. Both of them were thinking of the New Year's kiss, which put quite an attractive blush on Reed.  
  
"Time to go!"  
  
This time the dance was more of an Irish step dance. The men actually appeared to be enjoying it, although at one point Tucker stumbled into both Archer and Reed. Their weight made their stomps even louder than the Sovereign expected.   
  
For his part, the Sovereign decided to be generous to a species that had such ugly women to mate with. Of course, the stage mistress was quite attractive for a human. He assumed she must be a mutant.  
  
The men rushed off the stage again, all calling for something to drink. They were breathing heavily by this point.  
  
"Man, no wonder ya need nine different women. This is a killer show to put on!" Tucker had somehow managed to get his arms caught in the tights as he tried to quickly remove them. Sin immediately helped him out.   
  
Archer simply tore the hose at the seam to tug them off. Reed wished he could do the same, but the voice of his old drama coach kept ringing in his ear about not ruining costumes. Luckily Sato was there to help. Reed was trying to avoid the ticklish sensations her fingers left on his feet and almost missed catching his wig. Perfect, this time Reed was a redhead, Archer was the blonde and Tucker was a brunette. Their costumes were blue skirts with shirts that billowed away from their bodies like wings.  
  
"Alright, men, we've come this far. Let's show them what we're made of," said Archer as encouragement.   
  
Sato shoved the men on stage and kept a hand over her mouth throughout the last performance. This was a more intricate dance where the choreography resembled movements of wings. Worse, Archer and Tucker's blouses kept billowing out and covering Reed who kept getting an irritated look in his eyes as he had to battle through their garments just to get through the dance.   
  
At least it's not the chicken dance, Reed kept muttering to himself. He was late falling into a crouch on the last step because Tucker's last movement had poked his eye. Once the music ended, Reed stumbled off the stage blinking rapidly, and literally fell into Sato's arms.   
  
"Are you all right?" asked Sato with concern.   
  
"Just let me rest a minute," said Reed. Sato was very cushy. He was going to miss sleeping with her.   
  
"Let's get to our uniforms. We have fifteen minutes before Lin presents us to the Sovereign," said Archer.  
  
The men took no care for the costumes this time and headed for the showers that were backstage. Fourteen minutes later saw Tucker hopping out on one foot as he got on his boot, Archer adjusting the pips on his collar and Reed patting down his already perfect uniform.  
  
The Captain exchanged greetings with the Sovereign who began with a comment on the dance. "Captain Archer, the performance of your women was--indescribable."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Cap'n, the next time I'm begging you to take me on a mission, just ignore me," said Tucker as he collapsed onto the bench at the back of the shuttle. Reed helped Sato into the shuttle and they took their seats behind the Captain.   
  
Reed said quietly into Sato's ear, "Nine ladies dancing?"  
  
Sato started giggling, which made Reed apprehensive. "No, I'm fine, honestly. Let's hope this is the last bit of the Twelve Days of Christmas that we encounter."  
  
Archer just sighed heavily and said, "Let's go home."  
  
-----  
  
That night Malcolm dreamed of having to find Hoshi, but not being able to get to her because he kept tripping on his skirt. He finally tore the thing off with his old drama coach crying in the corner over what he'd done. His dream finally became pleasant when he found his dream Hoshi and held her in his arms. She kept trying to dance away from him, but he would always catch her. Malcolm woke up the next morning vowing never to wear a skirt again.  
  
*****  
  
Author Notes:  
  
The DumbBimboHoshi scene was inspired by Judy & Chrysa's Kiss Me Once Kiss, Kiss Me Twice fic, but not as well done. 18 pages. Written December 19, 2002, and posted at LD.  
  
No reviews are necessary. Thanks for keeping up with the story arc. Last episode will be posted in a few days.  
  
In the last story, the blessing Indicus the Christmas Goose gives Reed and Sato is essentially one given to a mating pair of Ansers, something about flying on with a good wind and finding comfort in their nest. 


End file.
